Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Jump is Stupid

Dragoons are a great Final Fantasy character. This being their first real appearance in FF III, I have high hopes. They wear spikey armor, spikey hats, and carry spikey spears. They are designed to fight dragons, for chrissakes. To know them is to love them, and to love them is to be impaled on them. They are spikey.

But JUMP is the stupidest attack on the planet. Your character literally jumps offscreen, only to return on the next turn to spike the enemy in the head. This allows him to avoid attacks. This also does not allow him to be healed if he is attacked.

Coming up with an analogy for Dragoon behavior in real life is tricky.

Say you have a friend who is known for picking up hot chicks. You're at a party, and your friend gets shot in the leg by a demon kangaroo with a gun (more on demon kangaroos later). Instead of going to the hospital, your friend is already set on his mission to get the hot chicks. Ah! But as we all know, hot chicks like tough guys so he succeeds at getting the hot chicks. He succeeds at his mission but has massive blood loss. Hot chicks also find massive bloodloss sexy, so he gets to go home with both hot chicks (or the hot chicks take him to the hospital, either way). You are left with zero hot chicks and there is still a demon kangaroo with a gun on the loose, shooting wildly around the party because he doesn't have proper thumbs.

Final Fantasy III demands that you fight a boss with four of these assholes.

There are also multiple iterations of a "Hellgaroo" which is just the awesomest thing that ever awesomed. I want one as a pet. Sure, he might destroy the dogs with his demon - fire and his hellgaze, but he would do it whilst hopping and being adorable.

The Hellgaroo also casts Blizzara, which would make sense - he would be warm.

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