In one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons, Homer is revealed to have written letters to "Die Hard". The movie. Not John McClane, not Bruce Willis, not even Demi Moore (who would write to Demi Moore? She's been boring as fuck since she shaved her head all those years ago - since that, nothing). He wrote to Die Hard the movie. In that spirit, I have a few questions for Final Fantasy VIII. Not the developers, not the characters, not the writers, the game itself.
1.) What else could be simultaneously SO stupid and yet so awesome as a gunblade?
2.) When they thought to put a sword on a gun, what were the drugs used? Quick follow - up - how long had it been since the inventor had sex?
3.) We assume the inventor is a queerhomo (new words!).
4.) Final Fantasy VIII, since when are little girls with overalls and giant nunchucks mercenaries outside of my dirty, ILLEGAL dreams?
5.) Why do you want to make my dreams illegal!?
6.) In a world where teenagers can SUCK MAGIC FROM MONSTERS AT A DISTANCE, what constitutes a "Sorceress"? Not taking Jesus Christ as her personal savior? That's pretty fucked up. Stop trying to be The Crucible, Final Fantasy, you suck at it.
7.) Would ANYONE have sex with Quistis? Explain why - show your work!
Updating, as I will have more questions during Disk 2...
Such as, why so many disks? What are you - retarded?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
FF VII
There are literally no words left on the internet for this game. They've all been used up. Fresh out of fuckin' words for this game. There is nothing left to be said. Literally.
If you're on the internet and you're still searching for it, just stop. Step away from the keyboard. There is nothing left to write or read about this game.
I can't comment at all on it. The last few months have been filled with holiday revelries, abject boredom and a kid popping out of my sister's vagina spontaneously. That, and absolutely nothing to say about Final Fantasy VII Natalie Portman nude titties pussy vagina Twilight Obama Palin. There, all the roads of the internet lead here now (technology works!).
Seriously, there is nothing interesting left to be said about Aeris dying, Cloud's huge sword or Sephiroth. Searching for "Sephiroth" on the interwebs yields more results than "Desmond Tutu".
Desmond Tutu won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Done. Moving on - worry about this chapter later. Meanwhile, an image of EVERY fan commenter on EVERY post about FF VII ever:
If you're on the internet and you're still searching for it, just stop. Step away from the keyboard. There is nothing left to write or read about this game.
I can't comment at all on it. The last few months have been filled with holiday revelries, abject boredom and a kid popping out of my sister's vagina spontaneously. That, and absolutely nothing to say about Final Fantasy VII Natalie Portman nude titties pussy vagina Twilight Obama Palin. There, all the roads of the internet lead here now (technology works!).
Seriously, there is nothing interesting left to be said about Aeris dying, Cloud's huge sword or Sephiroth. Searching for "Sephiroth" on the interwebs yields more results than "Desmond Tutu".
Desmond Tutu won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Done. Moving on - worry about this chapter later. Meanwhile, an image of EVERY fan commenter on EVERY post about FF VII ever:
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Kefka's Job Description
One of the more annoying aspects of business school is its tendency to bleed into things that are enjoyable. It’s like gravity – its sucking is so hard, like the sun it tends to pull things into its orbit.
I read in a book that the sun is constantly sucking at the earth, that’s why we have clouds and acceptable citrus in the southeast United States. And that’s where hobos come from.
That being said, how the hell did an organization like “The Empire” get to its lofty state with a Vice President of crazy costumes and laughing? Not only did they HAVE a Vice President of crazy costumes and laughing (a VPCCL), but theirs was homicidal. What kind of CEO promotes this:
from middle management into an executive position? How does this guy not have a mark on his record from HR? He looks like he would sexually harass everyone. I think his picture is sexually harassing me right now!
Even if the market is booming for crazy costumes and laughing (say, you work at The Blue Collar Comedy Tour or something), you don’t hire the guy who WEARS the costumes. You want someone who takes his costumes and laughing seriously and has a background in costumes and laughing.
What the hell is Kefka in charge of anyhow? Running a successful empire takes a great deal of management skill, and all Kefka knows is murdering children (and later, even their parents so that the children starve alone without them – innovation!) and dressing like the bastard child of Michael Jackson and an Emo kid.
Point being – you don’t want this man running your finance department – it’s not a good idea.
From experience – your marketing department, maybe.
I read in a book that the sun is constantly sucking at the earth, that’s why we have clouds and acceptable citrus in the southeast United States. And that’s where hobos come from.
That being said, how the hell did an organization like “The Empire” get to its lofty state with a Vice President of crazy costumes and laughing? Not only did they HAVE a Vice President of crazy costumes and laughing (a VPCCL), but theirs was homicidal. What kind of CEO promotes this:
from middle management into an executive position? How does this guy not have a mark on his record from HR? He looks like he would sexually harass everyone. I think his picture is sexually harassing me right now!
Even if the market is booming for crazy costumes and laughing (say, you work at The Blue Collar Comedy Tour or something), you don’t hire the guy who WEARS the costumes. You want someone who takes his costumes and laughing seriously and has a background in costumes and laughing.
What the hell is Kefka in charge of anyhow? Running a successful empire takes a great deal of management skill, and all Kefka knows is murdering children (and later, even their parents so that the children starve alone without them – innovation!) and dressing like the bastard child of Michael Jackson and an Emo kid.
Point being – you don’t want this man running your finance department – it’s not a good idea.
From experience – your marketing department, maybe.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Fun Facts!
Fun fact: within the first two hours of FF VII, one encounters a fat pimp with a mow hawk and a sex dungeon. The hero dresses up like a woman to fool him and interrogate him.
The music during this segment is whimsical and funny.
1 essay and 1 Final Finalness on FF VI tonight.
The music during this segment is whimsical and funny.
1 essay and 1 Final Finalness on FF VI tonight.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Doma is the Most Depressing Place on the Planet
There is no secret that FF VI is incredibly depressing - it's like a little girl losing her ice cream cone to the laws of gravity on a hot summer day and her big brother not doing the right thing and giving her his. You just want to beat the crap out of that guy for not sticking up for his little sister, but you can't because he's eight years old, and you already have two strikes for beating up those kids who "pimped" out their five year old Saturn sedans.
The villian this go 'round is Kefka, who is of course, evil. Kefka for some unknown reason moves the avatars that are the source of all magic out of alignment causing the world to break and prematurely decay. A post will follow of a fiction of what the hell is wrong with Kefka and why he hates puppies so much that will involve no less than three references to Dick Cheney.
For the uninitiated, basically, crossing the streams at the end of Ghostbusters happens due to Kefka, and Egon's worst nightmare comes to pass. Halfway through what seems like a quest against evil imperial forces, some lunatic takes over and turns the world to shit. Of all the villains that I have faced so far over five games, Kefka is easily the one I want personified so that I can kill him repeatedly.
He's like some sort of amalgam of Hitler and The Joker combined and I just want to hate him to death.
To cut to the chase - the world is great, and Kefka ruins it - like when you're having a great night drinking and you have too much and you end up pooping in your pants (not that it's happened to me).
REAL WORLD: Kefka is a general in an army that is at war with the kingdom of Doma. Finding the castle too hard to lay siege to, he poisons the water supply and kills everyone inside the castle. This genocide includes the family of the king's most loyal knight, Cyan - who upon losing his wife and daughter goes apeshit and kills most of Kefka's invading force with a sword (like ya do). He then has to watch in agony as he sees his wife and son board the train for the "next world" and he can't do anything about their horrific murder in front of his very eyes.
It's not that the quality of the game is bad or that characters are not of good quality, but Jesus H. Christ - the man poisons the water in an entire kingdom and kills everyone there. Even with the ponytail that he sports, one wants to BE Cyan and cast Life 3 (more on this unique spell later) on Kefka repeatedly just so that he can be killed again and again.
You'll never feel more sympathy for someone who sports a ponytail.
On the lighter side of FF VI... no, wait there IS NO LIGHTER side. You'd expect there to be some sort of cute puppy that survives an explosion or something - but the only dog there is to protect the clad - in - black deadly assassin who's kind of a jackass throughout the entire game.
I remember this theme resonating when I originally played this title. I was about at that age where it was certainly not "cool" to be happy or joyous. This game might be what eventually killed and raped my sense of joy and silliness and fun.
That, or my parents' divorce. Replaying this, and watching the tragedy of Doma, and seeing the state of the town of Mobliz in the World of Ruin (again more on this later), I really don't know which was more traumatic.
The villian this go 'round is Kefka, who is of course, evil. Kefka for some unknown reason moves the avatars that are the source of all magic out of alignment causing the world to break and prematurely decay. A post will follow of a fiction of what the hell is wrong with Kefka and why he hates puppies so much that will involve no less than three references to Dick Cheney.
For the uninitiated, basically, crossing the streams at the end of Ghostbusters happens due to Kefka, and Egon's worst nightmare comes to pass. Halfway through what seems like a quest against evil imperial forces, some lunatic takes over and turns the world to shit. Of all the villains that I have faced so far over five games, Kefka is easily the one I want personified so that I can kill him repeatedly.
He's like some sort of amalgam of Hitler and The Joker combined and I just want to hate him to death.
To cut to the chase - the world is great, and Kefka ruins it - like when you're having a great night drinking and you have too much and you end up pooping in your pants (not that it's happened to me).
REAL WORLD: Kefka is a general in an army that is at war with the kingdom of Doma. Finding the castle too hard to lay siege to, he poisons the water supply and kills everyone inside the castle. This genocide includes the family of the king's most loyal knight, Cyan - who upon losing his wife and daughter goes apeshit and kills most of Kefka's invading force with a sword (like ya do). He then has to watch in agony as he sees his wife and son board the train for the "next world" and he can't do anything about their horrific murder in front of his very eyes.
It's not that the quality of the game is bad or that characters are not of good quality, but Jesus H. Christ - the man poisons the water in an entire kingdom and kills everyone there. Even with the ponytail that he sports, one wants to BE Cyan and cast Life 3 (more on this unique spell later) on Kefka repeatedly just so that he can be killed again and again.
You'll never feel more sympathy for someone who sports a ponytail.
On the lighter side of FF VI... no, wait there IS NO LIGHTER side. You'd expect there to be some sort of cute puppy that survives an explosion or something - but the only dog there is to protect the clad - in - black deadly assassin who's kind of a jackass throughout the entire game.
I remember this theme resonating when I originally played this title. I was about at that age where it was certainly not "cool" to be happy or joyous. This game might be what eventually killed and raped my sense of joy and silliness and fun.
That, or my parents' divorce. Replaying this, and watching the tragedy of Doma, and seeing the state of the town of Mobliz in the World of Ruin (again more on this later), I really don't know which was more traumatic.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Becuase I was Anxious to Get to FF VI, That's Why.
The story of FF V will be written as it was played - one giant, horrific and not at all fun miscarriage.
It was only just recently that I realized that I am now playing what was originally a Super Nintendo game that was revamped for the Playstation 1 and that I'm playing it on a Playstation 3.
I have no idea what the implications of the above are - but like perhaps the stupidest person on the planet, Cokie Roberts would say - that's "interesting".
No it's not, Cokie - I hate you.
It was only just recently that I realized that I am now playing what was originally a Super Nintendo game that was revamped for the Playstation 1 and that I'm playing it on a Playstation 3.
I have no idea what the implications of the above are - but like perhaps the stupidest person on the planet, Cokie Roberts would say - that's "interesting".
No it's not, Cokie - I hate you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Final Finalness IV
- I have no qualms about naming a child FuSoYa. Even a girl. The capitalization is essential.
- If a character has been confused, he or she should be confused about who to attack and not just attacking their teammates. Otherwise this is just heartbreaking bullshit that makes me want to cry and poop.
- There is no real "optional" boss in this game - that makes things better. Everything is generally beatable with a little skill and patience - I don't need the magic rings of dumbfucklestan to block some ridiculous attack.
- Also, no grinding. FFIV was never a chore - I'm looking at you FFIII, you were like the golf of gaming - not really fun unless you practice until your balls fall off.
- Cecil and Rosa would probably have albino babies.
- Unless, of course, Zeromus was (not out of the realm of possibility) radioactive, rendering both of them sterile.
- Children should not be allowed to play this game, as it would be dangerous to give kids the impression that they can walk around on the moon. There should be a disclaimer - unless Square doesn't care how many children are asphyxiated?
- A "WTF, Japan?" has to go out to Rubicant's sexy, giant, red and white leg. Fiend of Fire? More like Fiend of Flaming! Gay men are sometimes effeminate!
- At one point in this game, one finds themselves dramatically flying an airship at full speed into a giant - world consuming metal robot, fighting through the robots' "organs" against the dragons and demons contained therein, then climaxing in a battle royale against the evil embodiments of the four elements. This has not yet been made into a film. Someone needs to be fired immediately.
- If a character has been confused, he or she should be confused about who to attack and not just attacking their teammates. Otherwise this is just heartbreaking bullshit that makes me want to cry and poop.
- There is no real "optional" boss in this game - that makes things better. Everything is generally beatable with a little skill and patience - I don't need the magic rings of dumbfucklestan to block some ridiculous attack.
- Also, no grinding. FFIV was never a chore - I'm looking at you FFIII, you were like the golf of gaming - not really fun unless you practice until your balls fall off.
- Cecil and Rosa would probably have albino babies.
- Unless, of course, Zeromus was (not out of the realm of possibility) radioactive, rendering both of them sterile.
- Children should not be allowed to play this game, as it would be dangerous to give kids the impression that they can walk around on the moon. There should be a disclaimer - unless Square doesn't care how many children are asphyxiated?
- A "WTF, Japan?" has to go out to Rubicant's sexy, giant, red and white leg. Fiend of Fire? More like Fiend of Flaming! Gay men are sometimes effeminate!
- At one point in this game, one finds themselves dramatically flying an airship at full speed into a giant - world consuming metal robot, fighting through the robots' "organs" against the dragons and demons contained therein, then climaxing in a battle royale against the evil embodiments of the four elements. This has not yet been made into a film. Someone needs to be fired immediately.
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